Extracts from BUSH BLUNDERS – AMAZING E BOOK FROM

"If we dont succeed, we run the risk of failure." ...George W. Bush
"Republicans understand the importance of bondage between a mother and child." ...Governor George W. Bush
"Welcome to Mrs. Bush, and my fellow astronauts." ...Governor George W. Bush
"Mars is essentially in the same orbit...Mars is somewhat the same distance from the Sun, which is very important. We have seen pictures where there are canals, we believe, and water. If there is water, that means there is oxygen. If oxygen, that means we can breathe." ...Governor George W. Bush, 8/11/94
"The Holocaust was an obscene period in our nations history. I mean in this centurys history. But we all lived in this century. I didnt live in this century." ...Governor George W. Bush, 9/15/95
"I believe we are on an irreversible trend toward more freedom and democracy -- but that could change." ...Governor George W. Bush, 5/22/98
"One word sums up probably the responsibility of any Governor, and that one word is to be prepared." ...Governor George W. Bush, 12/6/93
"Verbosity leads to unclear, inarticulate things." ...Governor George W. Bush, 11/30/96
"I have made good judgments in the past. I have made good judgments in the future." ...Governor George W. Bush
"The future will be better tomorrow." ...Governor George W. Bush
"Were going to have the best educated American people in the world." ...Governor George W. Bush 9/21/97
"People that are really very weird can get into sensitive positions and have a tremendous impact on history." ...Governor George W. Bush
George: Condi! Nice to see you. Whats happening? Condi: Sir, I have the report here about the new leader of China. George: Great. Lay it on me. Condi: Hu is the new leader of China. George: Thats what I want to know. Condi: Thats what Im telling you. George: Thats what Im asking you. Who is the new leader of China? Condi: Yes. George: I mean the fellows name. Condi: Hu. George: The new leader of China. Condi: Hu. George: The Chinaman! Condi: Hu is leading China. George: Now what are you asking me for? Condi: Im telling you, Hu is leading China. George: Well, Im asking you. Who is leading China? Condi: Thats the mans name. George: Thats whose name? Condi: Yes. George: Will you or will you not tell me the name of the new leader of China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Yassir Arafat is in China? I thought he was in the Middle East. Condi: Thats correct. George: Then who is in China? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir is in China? Condi: No, sir. George: Then who is? Condi: Yes, sir. George: Yassir? Condi: No, sir. George: Look, Condi. I need to know the name of the new leader of China. Get me theSecretary General of the U.N. on the phone. Condi: Kofi? George: No, thanks. Condi: You want Kofi? George: No. Condi: You dont want Kofi. George: No. But now that you mention it, I could use a glass of milk. And then get me the
U.N. Condi: Yes, sir. George: Not Yassir! The guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi? George: Milk! Will you please make the call? Condi: And call who? George: Who is the guy at the U.N? Condi: Hu is the guy in China. George: Will you stay out of China?! Condi: Yes, sir. George: And stay out of the Middle East! Just get me the guy at the U.N. Condi: Kofi. George: All right! With cream and two sugars. Now get on the phone. (Condi picks up the phone.) Condi: Rice, here. George: Rice? Good idea. And a couple of egg rolls, too. Maybe we should send some tothe guy in China. And the Middle East. Can you get Chinese food in the Middle East?
The president and Mrs. Bush are in the front row at a Yankees game, surrounded by Secret Service agents. Before the game starts, one of the agents whispers in the president’s ear, and Mr. Bush smiles and nods. Then he grabs Laura Bush by the scruff of the neck and heaves her over the railing. She falls 10 feet onto the field, cursing all the way before landing in a heap in the dirt. The president raises his arms triumphantly and gets high-fives from fans all around him. Then the agent leans over again and whispers, “Uh, Mr. President, I said they want you to throw out the first pitch!”
George W. Bush is visiting a primary school and he visits one of the classes. They are in the middle of a discussion related to words and their meanings. The teacher asks the President if he would like to lead the discussion of the word tragedy. So the illustrious leader asks the class for an example of a tragedy. One little boy stands up and offers: If my best friend who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a runaway tractor comes along and knocks him dead, that would be a tragedy.
No, says President Bush, that would be an accident.
A little girl raises her hand: If a school bus carrying 50 children drove over a cliff, killing everyone inside, that would be a tragedy.
Im afraid not, explains the exalted leader. Thats what we would call a great loss.
The room goes silent. No other children volunteer. President Bush searches the room. Isnt there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?
Finally at the back of the room, little Johnny raises his hand. In a quiet voice he says: If Air Force One carrying you was struck by a missile and blown to smithereens, that would
be a tragedy.
Fantastic! exclaims President Bush, Thats right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?
Well, says the boy, because it sure as hell wouldnt be a great loss and it probably wouldnt be an accident either.


Why did Al Gore get a nipple ring? He heard that George Bush got a Dick Cheney.

Bush dies and gets to heaven. There he meets his friend who also died recently. You are here?! How Come? How did you die? ? Well, I froze to death. And you?? I died from laughter? That?s interesting. How? Well I got back from Indian trip a day early, I didn?t want to go home so I went to mylover. We were having a great time when the doorbell rang ? her husband came back early.I was really scared, but she handled it perfectly. She took a trash bag, opened the door andasked him to take out the trash. Before he got back, I quietly got out. With nothing moreto do I decided to go home. And what do you think ? my wife opens the door with a trashbag and says: ?Honey, could you take out the trash??. ?Sure?, I think. ?I’m not thatstupid.? I get into the house, check the bedroom, check all the closets, turn down thewhole house ? nothing. Suddenly the whole situation started to seem so absurd that Istarted laughing and chocked to death?? ?You moron!?, shouts the other guy. ?Should have checked the fridge. We both could bealive now??

Saddam Hussein phoned President Bush and said, George, I called you because I had
thisincredible dream last night. I could see all of America, and it was beautiful and on top ofevery building, there was a beautiful banner. Bush asked, What was on the banner?
Saddam responded, It said Allah is God, and God is Allah.
Bush said, You know, Saddam, Im really glad you called, because last night I had a dreamtoo. I could see all of Baghdad, and it was even more beautiful than before the war. It hadbeen completely rebuilt, and on every building there was also a beautiful banner.
Saddam said, What was on the banner?
Bush replied, I really dont know. I dont read Hebrew
One day George W. Bush and Dick Cheney walk into a diner. A waitress walks up to themand asks if she can take their order. Bush leans close to her and says, Honey, can I have aquickie? The waitress is appalled and yells at the President about womens rights and storms away.
Cheney then says to Bush :
-George, its pronounced quiche ... A guy walks into a coffee shop and sees President Bush and Colin Powell sitting together.He introduces himself and asks President Bush, How goes the War effort, Sir? President Bush answers, Were getting ready to kill 40 million Iraqis and one blonde.
The guy asks in astonishment, Why are you killing one blonde?
President Bush turns to Colin Powell and says, See, I told you people wouldnt care aboutthe Iraqis.
Bush got a coded message from Saddam.
It read: 370HSSV-0773H Bush was stumped and sent for the CIA. The CIA was stumped too, so it went to the NSA.
The NSA couldn’t solve it either, so they asked Bill Clinton. He suggested turning the message upside down ...
Cuz he is doing the work of 3 men: Larry, Curly, and Moe!
President Bush wakes up one morning, looks out of the White House window and sees The President Sucks written in the snow in urine. Furious, he calls in the FBI and demands the perpetrators be found. Later that day the FBI agents return. Well sir, says the first agent, the urine has been analysed and its the Vice Presidents. Bush goes purple with rage and shouts, Is that all?
Well no sir, says the agent, Its the First Ladys handwriting
Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all. They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight. They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever sides dog won would be entitled to dominate the world. Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the meanest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from the litter, and removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk. After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. Its cage needed steel bars that were 5 thick and nobody could get near it.
When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund. Everyone felt sorry for Bush because there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog. When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of its cage, and slowly waddled over towards Osamas dog. Osamas dog snarled and leaped out of its cage and charged the American Dachshund---but when it got close enough to bite, the Dachshund opened its mouth and consumed Osamas dog in one bite. There was nothing left of his dog at all.
Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief, We dont understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.
Thats nothing,, said Bush. We had Michael Jacksons plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog.
What do Saddam Hussien and General Custer have in common? They were wondering where all of those Tomahawks were coming from.
Yo mamas so stupid, she voted for George Bush, and meant to.
Q. Whats the difference between George W. Bush and Saddam Hussein ? A. It took Saddam 20 years to get that unpopular A BILL GATES ONE FOR A CHANGE At a recent COMDEX, Bill Gates reportedly compared the computer industry with the auto industry and stated: If GM had kept up with technology like the computer industry has, we would all be driving twenty-five dollar cars that got 1000 miles to the gallon. In response to Bills comments, General Motors issued a press release stating: If GM had
developed technology like Microsoft, we would all be driving cars with the following characteristics:
1. For no reason whatsoever your car would crash twice a day. 2. Every time they repainted the lines on the road you would have to buy a new car. 3. Occasionally your car would die on the freeway for no reason, and you would just accept this, restart and drive on. 4. Occasionally, executing a maneuver such as a left turn, would cause your car to shut down and refuse to restart, in which case you would have to reinstall the engine. 5. Only one person at a time could use the car, unless you bought Car95 or CarNT. But then you would have to buy more seats. 6. Macintosh would make a car that was powered by the sun, reliable, five times as fast, and twice as easy to drive, but would only run on five per cent of the roads. 7. The oil, water temperature and alternator warning lights would be replaced by a single general car default warning light. 8. New seats would force everyone to have the same size butt. 9. The airbag system would say Are you sure? before going off. 10. Occasionally for no reason whatsoever, your car would lock you out and refuse to let you in until you simultaneously lifted the door handle, turned the key, and grab hold of the radio antenna. 11. GM would require all car buyers to also purchase a deluxe set of Rand McNally road maps (now a GM subsidiary), even though they neither need them nor want them. Attempting to delete this option would immediately cause the cars performance to diminish by 50% or more. Moreover, GM would become a target for investigation by the Justice Department. 12. Everytime GM introduced a new model car buyers would have to learn how to drive all over again because none of the controls would operate in the same manner as the old car. 13. Youd press the start button to shut off the engine. Bill Clinton, George W. Bush, and Ross Perot are on a ship when it is sinking. Perot orders for all women to head for the life boats. Bush says screw the women! Clinton says Do we have time?
Bushs mother prayed fervently that GW would grow up and be president. So far, half of her prayer has been answered
George W. was out jogging one morning along the parkway when he tripped, fell over the bridge railing and landed in the creek below.
Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids, who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.
The first kid said, I want to go to Disneyland. George said, No problem. Ill take you there on Air Force One. The second kid said, I want a new pair of Nike Air Jordans. George said, Ill get them for you and even have Michael sign them! The third kid said, I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!! Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, But you dont look like you are handicapped. The kid says, I will be after my dad finds out I saved your ass from drowning!
One day George W. went out to dinner with a Jewish friend. The friend recommended akosher place nearby. They arrived and Dubyas friend ordered them both the house specialty: matzo ball soup.
The waiter brought the bowls and George looked at the soup suspiciously, but his friendurged him to try at least one taste. So he took a bite of matzo ball and slurped some soupand clearly liked it.
After Dubya was finished he said, Mmm mmm, that was good! But tell me, do you Jewishfolks eat other parts of the matzo, or just the balls?
Thousands of people flock to the annual Burning Man festival in The Black Rock Desert north of Reno, Nevada.
At this big hippie festival, people run around naked, drink and do drugs ... or as George
W. Bush likes to call it, get ready to run for President.George W. Bush was giving a third-grader a lesson on politics. First he asked the kid towrite The President on the blackboard. Then Bush asked the child what he thought the President should accomplish and the childreplied, Protect the environment and clean up the air. Dubya countered, Why should the clouds be white and the water be blue when they could be all kinds of cool colors? Is that so terrible. Cant we agree on it? Can you spell Is and We?
The boy spells out Is then We on the blackboard.
My friends at the oil companies can make chemicals to make trees tall. If fact, they already did. Can you write, tall and did?
The boy writes the words on the blackboard. Now young man, what have you learned from your talk with the President? The boys stands up and reads what he has written on the blackboard aloud: The President
is we tall did.
Bush and Gore went fishing. Gore went on one side of the lake and Bush on the other.Later that day, Bush came back with 129 fish and Gore came back with none. Gore screamed for a revote.
The next day bush came back with 173 fish and Gore once again screamed for a revote.
So on the third day, Gore sent a secret service to spy on Bush. Bush came back with 293fish this time and gore got none. Gore goes to the secret service spy and asks whetherBush is cheating.
Yes, replied the spy, hes putting holes in the ice.
A reporter cornered George W. Bush at a press conference: Many say the only reason you were elected for President is due to the enormous powerand influence of your father.
That notion is ridiculous! mocked George Jr. It doesnt matter how powerful the man is.He was only allowed to vote once!
George W. Bush is sitting in a hotel lobby, planning his speech to a group of businessmen, when a little man walks up to him. Excuse me, Mr. Bush, but my name is Steve Case, and Im here with an extremely important client tonight. Were going to see your speech tonight, and it would be a great help to me if, when we walk by, you could impress him by saying, Hello, Steve. Bush readily agrees, and fifteen minutes later, the little man walks by, deep in conversation with his client.
Bush came up and said, Hello, Steve.
The little man says, Buzz off, Bush! Im in a meeting, and keeps walking.
President George W. Bush was getting angry about the public opinion of his ability to govern, so he arranged a press conference to let the American public know what was on his mind.
He started strongly, The American People must know that I am wholly fit, capable, and prepared to serve this nation as commander-in-chief. And I say to those people who believe that I dont have a mind of my own... Bush said and froze. He looked over at
Cheney and whispered, Dick, what do I say to them again...?
The end